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Hello fellow AP friends, Old and New.
I've been on this RA journey for 2 and 1/2 years now. I separate my life into halves. One half before RA. My other half after RA. Each half is different in so many ways. I miss my before RA half and I despise my after RA half. I try not to despise it… really, I do. I try to “keep the faith”, “be strong”, “livestrong”…. live my life like RA doesn't exist; this evil disease that is robbing me of my free spirit and will. I try to be strong and most days I can. Today just isn't one of those days.
Everyday I wake up, and I put on my “strong face”. I “buck up” and act as if nothing can hurt me. This is the face that my friends and family see. They admire my strengh, but they don't see the inside. The part of me thats screaming, crying, hurting and scared. The part of me that prays EVERY night for God to place his healing hands on my broken body and take this disease from me. ( I even ask my Angel Dad to help, I figure it can't hurt.) They don't hear the deals I make with God. “If only you could take me back to before I had RA, I promise, I'll be a better Mother, a better Wife, a better Friend, A better Christian. So many deals I've made. So much I took for granted in my before RA life. The pain free days, the energy I had and didn't use to its full potential, the fluid movement of my body that I didn't admire. The happy days that just “were”. The “normalcy” of life.
If you are still reading this, you can tell I'm having a not so strong day. I don't allow myself these kind of days. It's just not like me. These moments come to me in the darkness and safety of nights alone in bed. For some reason, the darkness makes it ok for me. No one can see me in the dark. At times I cry myself to sleep. Alone, scared, hurting, and just plain tired. Every fiber of my being tired. I cry alone so that no one sees the weak me. I cry alone so no one can see the fear I live with everyday. At these rock bottom times I am ashamed of myself for losing my disciplined strength and letting the fear overcome me. I feel selfish and self-centered. But it is what it is.
Last night was one of those crying nights for me. I cried for the old me. I cried for the fear of what the future will hold for me. I just plain cried. When I'm really sad, I picture myself in the arms of my God, and he is rocking me and comforting me, telling me that I'm not alone and He is with me, and that I'm going to be O.K. I find solace in these thoughts, odd as they may seem.
Other times I imagine my spirit has left my body and I am like the air; light and flowing freely in the breeze. Oh what sweet release. I'm tired of the daily struggle. My body is tired. My mind is tired. My soul is tired. Some days I wonder how much longer I can go on. I know I must; I have no choice. I believe God does not give us more than we can handle, but there are times I just want to scream “NO MORE GOD! I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! I AM TIRED! PLEASE DEAR GOD NO MORE!!”. It may not work but it does feel good.
Please don't put me down or judge me for feeling this way. I come here for support. You are my friends and my safe haven. I hope that some, if not all of you, can somewhat feel what I am going through today. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself, and no, I don't let it happen often.
I have been on AP for a year now. At times I feel like it is working, other times I question if it is. But then, when I really think about it, I've been in denial for the lasst 2 and 1/2 years when it comes to my RA. I guess its my way of protecting myself. Pretend like its not there and it will go away. It took me 2 and 1/2 years to accept the fact that yes I have RA and no its not going to go away. Yes, I feel it inside me every day. No matter how much I deny it. I feel it in my joints, the fatigue is horrible, I feel like I have the “neverending” flu. I'm fooling everyone but myself. It lets me know who is in charge. I question whether I'm going in the right direction with AP. As I'm sure a lot of you do. I worry about the aches and pains. Some days I don't feel much better than I did a year ago. I work at “mind over matter” everyday and most days it works.
My question to my fellow friends in AP is….What do you do on your bad days? I'm not just talking about the debilitating pain filled days. I'm talking about the just plain feel bad days… mentally and physically. The days where everything you've pushed so far deep inside you erupts and you feel like you've hit rock bottom. Please, if you can, give me some encouragement. My mind and body need sunshine.
Thanks for letting me vent. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. The words just spilled from my heart, so if they don't make sense, I apologize.
I want to close with a quote from one of my favorite shows “Greys Anatomy” that I read from time to time to help me through the bad times.
?Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope the wound that causes it heals. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn?t let up. Pain. You just have to fight through because the truth is you can?t outrun it, and life always makes more.?
I hope that you all find peace in your lives. My thoughts are with all of you every step of the way.
Lori
Hi Lori,
I remember you from your pictures, so sorry that you're having such a horrible day. I don't think anyone here will judge you, whether or not we want to admit it, we've all been there. Are you taking some kind of anti-inflammatory? I apologize if you are, I was just looking at your list at the bottom of your post. They are necessary for the abx to get to the bacteria, but their anti-inflammatory action takes away so much of the pain and therefore the fatigue, also they prevent joint and organ damage. Sometimes fish oil and other supplements just aren't enough. You can start slowly with OTC naproxen, advil etc. Be sure to eat with them. Or you can try something like Celebrex or Mobic; they might be cheaper than the OTC meds, I know that mobic is generic now. I cringe at the thought of you gutting out this pain w/out the help of one of these meds.
I also want you to remember that depression is a SYMPTOM of these diseases, not a weakness on our part or completely under our control. It gets better when the other symptoms begin to reside. The best of us have days where we just can't manage that strong 'face' that you describe. I wish you had someone whose shoulder you could literally cry on. I could give you advice like watching your favorite movie, eat a chocolate bar (this actually might help, chocolate improves mood), but when you get this far down you just have to ride it out, and keep telling yourself that this will get better. When you get up in the morning, just ask God to get you thru this one day, don't concern yourself about tomorrow.
I know your life is very different now, it sounds like you were very active, busy and independent. The most difficult thing sometimes is to ask for help. During my first bad flare, I had a 6 y/o, 3 y/o, a baby and a husband in the military who was gone a lot. I needed help to stand and sit, and couldn't turn the keys in the ignition in our car. One day I got up with my usual Tim Conway old man walk. My husband had changed and dressed the baby and took the 6 y/o to school, leaving the baby, Jared, in his carrier on the floor. I had a dilemma, if I got down on the floor to feed him, I wouldn't be able to get up. But I couldn't bend down and pick up the carrier either. Up 'til then I had done a pretty good job of hiding the seriousness of my condition, but now I was stuck. I finally called my neighbor and good friend from church, and asked her to come over and put Jared's carrier on the counter, telling her that she absolutely could not do anything else (she was a clean freak, like I USED to be). Well, she came over with a mop and bucket, took one look at the dishes in the sink and the laundry on the dryer and just said, “Sit down, I won't take no for an answer.” When my house was sparkling she left, but called the president of our women's organization at church, and from then on I had weekly help, women even came to bathe Jared, because I could not hold him up and it wasn't safe. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do to accept the help, no one likes other people coming into their house to clean. I got thru it by telling myself that when I got better I was going to help others the way I had been helped, and I have done that when I could.
Girl, I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and get some help until you start feeling a little better. We're always here for emotional support, but we can't physically help you, and we all need both. Your life is never going to be the same, even after you go into remission, because of what you have learned about patience and compassion. It will not be worse, just different. I know you think your children are being deprived because of your limitations, but they are also learning valuable lessons about strength, compassion and love that other children may not learn until they are older. That's okay. My boys are now 26, 23 and 20, and they are all fine – no one could look at them and say, “I bet your mom had arthritis”.
Let your family and friends help you carry this load right now, and get yourself on some kind of anti-inflammatory if you have not done that yet. It's no shame to ask for a pain reliever as well, there are meds like tramadol that carry only a very small risk of dependence compared to vicodin; there are also other alternatives as well, acupuncture worked wonders for me, as well as hydrotherapy. It's not my thing, but support groups for spouses and families are available and they can be very helpful. I hope you begin to feel better soon, hopefully as the weather gets warmer there you will. Didn't you just have a blizzard? I know it's bone chilling cold right now.
linda
Lori,
God bless you. How many times have I prayed exactly like you. Jehovah Ropheka. (the God who heals)
We do not have a life sentence. We have a disease. A disease with a cause and a cure. It can be beaten.
Most of the time, I am up and running and except for the fact I take a ton of supplements daily, I don't often look or act like someone with an illness. But then there are times when the disease flares. The flares are minor compared to the beginning. But even the most minor flare causes me overwhelming fear and depression. I know the beast and I fear it.
Jan 1 I came down with a really bad cold. I ached and I coughed. Ugh. I pumped in a tablespoon daily of silver and increased my vitamin C. That cold was gone in 7 days, but since then I have been tired and I can't focus on anything for more than a minute. The fatigue is increasing and today I wrote my doctor about it. One of the other doctors in the office spoke to me briefly by phone and the office tried to set up a phone appt with me but I was too busy to take the call (at work). I will call tomorrow.
Somehow, just having my doctor's office take the e-mail so seriously is making me feel better.
I do think the disease has a mental impact as well as a physical one.
I do best if I am active. Do you walk? A lot? It is also good to express your feelings as you have here tonight. Don't hesitate to do it again.
Then pick yourself up and fight another day. I firmly believe this disease can be licked. Even though, I too have days where I am tired and unsure.
You are not alone.
Susan
[user=212]Time_of_my_Life[/user] wrote:
When I'm really sad, I picture myself in the arms of my God, and he is rocking me and comforting me, telling me that I'm not alone and He is with me, and that I'm going to be O.K. I find solace in these thoughts, odd as they may seem.
I, too, ask God to hold me. It is very comforting to ask for his help–I always feel at peace afterwards.
When I am really hurting and feeling bad, I usually stay in bed or on the couch and stay as warm as I can.
I had the flu and achiness symptoms pretty often until I was diagnosed with Lyme and began treatment for it. I wonder if this could be an underlying illness?
The AP treatment is a slow process. I am sorry you are experiencing a very trying time. Please hang in there and take care of yourself. This board is a cheering section for each and everyone of us!! This is the place to come to to share good news and a place to ask for a helping hand.
Take care,
Trudi
Lyme/RA; AP 4/2008 off and on to 3/2010; past use of quinolones may be the cause of my current problems, (including wheelchair use); all supplements (which can aggravate the condition) were discontinued on 10/14/2012. Am now treating for the homozygous MTHFR 1298 mutation. Off of all pain meds since Spring '14 (was on them for years--doctor is amazed--me too). Back on pain med 1/2017. Reinfected? Frozen shoulder?
Lori,
Don't feel bad. Only a saint, wouldn't curse this disease and what it has wreaked upon you physically and emotionally. Be mad, be sad but continue hanging in there because I know better days are in your future.
Hi Lori,
You've already had some amazing posts from some pretty amazing people. I really liked Linda's comment that these diseases change us, making us more compassionate and understanding.
I've had days like you're experiencing…countless in the beginning and even now, every so often. The depression hits and it hits hard, so that I turn into a blethering mess. I talked to my doc about this at my last appt, because I think that since I've been improving and not so focused on the constant pain, the reality of what I just went through is hitting me….like a post-traumatic stress syndrome. I think many of us do, at some point, as we are getting better (and no longer just wishing we could walk through the tunnel to the other side) suddenly start wanting to live again…and to live normally, as we did before. Like Linda said, however, we are changed and it takes a good amount of time to accept this change and to see it as purposeful in some way.
I can't tell you how many times I asked for my pain to be taken away, too…begged and bargained…cried myself to sleep. You've been through a whole lot this past year or so with your cancer dx, too, so you have a double whammy going on.
I don't know if this will help, Lori, but I have a brother with chronic progressive MS. He was a Nick Nolte lookalike tough guy (not the haggard character we see splashed all over the tabloids in his arrest shots – the handsome, strong, young version). He is now wheelchair bound and, though he has suffered now for the past 15 years, losing pieces of his youthful strength, he is someone who has limitless strength for everyone else in his life. It's heartbreaking to see him and I've asked him how he copes in my darkest moments. MS is much like rheumatic disease in that depression is a very real symptom. He just says matter of factly, if someone asks how he's doing and he's having a bad hair day, he just tells them, saying “It sucks!” Then, he asks them where they're taking him for lunch! :roll-laugh: Being an old veteran at this, he told me it's best to just tell people when you're not feeling good or down, then they know they can talk about it with you. He also said that the worst thing you can do is internalise, as this creates more stress for us and everyone around us. No one wants to mention the “sick” word if they think you're holding strong and the sort of person who wants to tough it out, because they don't want to be the cause of us breaking down. So, according to my bro, transparency is best…have a good cry when you need to and tell everyone how much it sucks, which helps to let it all out. Then, try to get your focus on some life-validating thing like lunch with a friend or a movie with a loved one. It's a challenge for those of us who do internalise (me, too), but I have to admit that my brother's strategy has worked for me when I've allowed myself to do it.
As Moms, we're the caretakers and it's engrained in us to be strong and grounded for everyone else, but we do have to come to a point with these diseases…maybe as part of the grieving process…to just allow ourselves to let it all out. My MIL has a good saying, “Better out than in!” This so true…internalising our sadness, regret, hopeless feelings just generates more of the same.
So go easy on yourself, Lori. This is all very, very normal what you're going through. We've all had to face our dark caves and it's okay to sit in there for a while and just allow whatever wants to come out to come out. The encouraging thing about dark nights of the soul is that we wouldn't be able to see the light of lit candle if it was in brilliant sunshine all the time. These dark nights help us to learn some pretty profound spiritual truths about ourselves and I've reflected many a time (in retrospect) that this may be their purpose, after all.
You're going to come out of this stronger than ever! You're a strong woman, Lori, but it's okay to just be weak sometimes, too. Sometimes allowing weakness to show through…letting others see our vulnerability, is a strength, because it allows them to be vulnerable and transparent with us too.
Bless you, Lori…your post is an important one and you may never know how many people it is going to touch, to know they are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing so eloquently what we all experience and may not know how to verbalise.
Peace, Maz
Oh my, I just re-read my post. I do sound pathetic, don't I? I'm sorry for the rant. I'm really not as bad as it may have sounded like. I can still live my life…I can still do most everything I did before RA. I go to the gym daily. I lift weights, I do lots and lots of cardio. I run and RUN! Sometimes I think I'm running from the disease itself!! AND I thank GOD every day that I'm able to.
So, my mood wasn't specifically to do with the physically debilitating pain of RA. Although I do have that, I know it could be much, much worse! It's the fatigue that takes it toll on me. It never seems to leave. Some days I just get so tired of being “tired”. I'm sure you all can relate.
I thought perhaps it was because I was exercising too much. My Dr. thought that may be why I felt so run-down and HOT all the time. Hot to the touch but COLD on the inside. Does that make sense to anyone? It's always always there. I feel SO hot when you touch me but my temp is always low. I had blood tests a couple weeks ago and was tested for all kinds of things including menopause (I'm getting to that age – I'm 45). Everything came back good and I'm not in menopause, so again, I'm at a loss.
I took 5 days off from exercising to see if that would help improve my fatigue. The only thing that did was cause my body to become stiff and make me realize that the beast is still there. Exercising hides it pretty well. I have to keep my body moving… keep it moving… moving.. but Im so so tired of it all. And the nights are bad. I'm physically exhaused but mentally can't sleep. I actually dread the nights because I know I will lay awake for hours and get very little quality sleep. I'm now up to 3mg of xanax before bed to help me sleep and that isnt even doing the job. It's so frustrating. I wish I could shut my brain off at night… or take a shot to knock me out.
I feel like no one is able to help me and I can't seem to find the answers on my own. If anyone out there can offer me some suggestions on the hotness I feel and the lack of sleep I would surely appreciate it. It's really taken its toll on me.
Thank you all for your kind words of support. I really needed them and I knew I would find them here. I have support with my friends and family but there are some things that they just cannot understand. I know most of you can understand where I'm coming from.
I don't doubt that the AP works. I know it works…I've seen great testimony on this site and in the book. I have my faith. It was just one of those days for me. Tomorrows a new day… a fresh start. I plan to make the most out of it. 🙂
Yes Linda, we did just have another blizzard here… and still below zero temps. It's been such a long winter! I think it's starting to wear on me. I really really do need that sunshine for my body and my soul! One day at a time.. one day at a time… I can do this!
Thank you all! This is the kindest group of people. I'm so glad I found you all!
Bless you,
LoriMaz,
Your post really touched me… actually brought me to tears. You KNOW what I'm feeling. You've got it down exactly! I'm a very sensitive person… although I try to be tough. I'm really a weepy mess when it comes to feelings so I tend to keep them inside. I don't talk in depth about my RA with anyone. It's more like “Oh, I'm feeling like crap today, but I'll be fine.” If I go any deeper than that, I would probably break down. I don't want to scare my friends away by thinking I'm too emotionally fragile. I don't want my family to worry.
Your brother is so strong. You have a person close to you to talk to that really gets it. It's very tragic what has happened to him though… so sad. It just doesn't seem Godly that any of us should have to suffer in our lives. I hope that someday we find the answers to why we do.
Thank you for sharing. Your support means everything to me on these gloomy days.
God Bless You,
LoriHi Lori,
You have actually put into words what I have been feeling for weeks now, you have written my exact thoughts but I am also a very private person and cannot put my feelings down on paper, you really touch my heart when you mentioned your angel dad, as I also do the same with my mum and dad and do all the bargaining too with God.
I think you would have touch many hearts today as many of us go through what you are going through at some stage, and to actually read someone elses pain, makes our pain not so bad.
I love that quote you wrote from Greys Anatomy, and I too, send peace and painfree days your way as I do to every one of us here.
……………Annie
Diagnosed with RA in 2004, after trying many conventional meds I changed to mino.
2015 changed to doxy 50mgs
2016 went off doxy, after getting double pneumonia and massive flare put myself on 250 mgs Zith & 50 mgs doxy, which I will increase slowly.
Supps, magnesium, NAC, vit c, krill oil, oregano oil, thisylin, turmeric, olive leaf extract, vit B, multi vit.[user=212]Time_of_my_Life[/user] wrote:
Hot to the touch but COLD on the inside. Does that make sense to anyone? It's always always there.
I'm now up to 3mg of xanax before bed to help me sleep and that isnt even doing the job. It's so frustrating. I wish I could shut my brain off at night… or take a shot to knock me out.
Feeling cold on the inside is a symptom of diverticulitis. My husband's cousin and my father experienced this. May want to check it out!In the early 90's my doctor put me on Xanax because of anxiety and panic attacks (which I now am convinced was from Lyme). My symptoms worsened horribly–created just the opposite; I will NEVER EVER take such a medication again it was that bad!
Hope you figure it all out–
To a good night's sleep–
Trudi
Lyme/RA; AP 4/2008 off and on to 3/2010; past use of quinolones may be the cause of my current problems, (including wheelchair use); all supplements (which can aggravate the condition) were discontinued on 10/14/2012. Am now treating for the homozygous MTHFR 1298 mutation. Off of all pain meds since Spring '14 (was on them for years--doctor is amazed--me too). Back on pain med 1/2017. Reinfected? Frozen shoulder?
Lori and everyone else,
I just sent an e-mail to my doctor yesterday, before your post Lori, describing some new symptoms I am having. Dizziness, listlessness, weak muscles and hopelessness.
They took it serious and had a phone consult with me today. I want to make a separate post for everyone's benefit who has to resort to DMARDS or Biologics along with AP. Please look for it as I think you will find the information helpful.
Susan
Lori,
I'm so sorry you're in a funk right now. Your post was painful to read because we can all relate to our dark place.
You are obviously a strong woman with a can-do attitude which will serve you well. You can plow through this. As far as hiding your feelings with family and friends, I think it's important to tell them when you're having a bad day, but that frightens them too, so it's equally as important to tell them when you're having a good day so they can be encouraged that there will be an end to this. Fatigue is my #1 complaint too. My LLMD says heavy exercise is not beneficial because it takes energy away from healing. The test for me to know when I've crossed the line is how long it takes me to recover. If it takes 1-2 days then it obviously was too much.
The hot/cold chills can be a symptom of Lyme and it's co-infections. When I first started treating with AP I didn't know I had Lyme, and Mino and Clindy IVs only took me so far. Now that I am treating Lyme (which actually caused my SD and RA) I am once again improving. Every night as soon as I settle in bed I get the bone-deep chills and then they pass, which I think is Babesia (a co-infection of Lyme). If there are any LLMDs in your area it might be a good idea to have a visit. If you've been following the lyme posts you already know not to waste your time with an infectious disease doctor.
Wishing you the best, Lori………….kim
Lori,
I wish I could help you with the sleep, it's a monster I've been fighting for yrs. You probably know everything I'm going to say, but just in case, here are a few tips that sleep experts recommend, but have never worked for me. How's that for confidence! Anyway, don't drink anything with caffeine after 6 pm, don't exercise in the evening, take a hot bath, try relaxing CD's of nature sounds like waves or streams, warm milk. did I say counting sheep? There is a supplement called melatonin but it is contraindicated in people with AI diseases. You've probably tried all of these and more; when you say you can't shut your brain off I know what you mean. Some recommend a glass of wine before bed, but others say it will make you wake up a few hours later.
Your post was not pathetic, I often have bad nights where my thoughts become very dark, then when I get up the next day I look back on my thoughts I think how 'dramatic' they seem.:blush: (yes, Maz, there are times when I wish it was my turn to go thru that tunnel, but then I think of my boys. Altho grown, they still need their mother, and I don't intend to sound mean, but their father is too busy too help them much. So I know it's best that I remain here.), I think it's the fatigue that gets us down so much; I could and did function with a high level of pain, but when the fatigue hits it's like walking thru glue. It does improve, so I've heard, when other symptoms start to get better.
Maz, I appreciate your comments about your brother. My physical appearance has changed, too, and not just from the weight gain. When people ask me how I'm doing, my response varies. If I'm having a bad day and it's a close friend or family member, I give them my 'mean as ever' response. They know what it means. It kinda breaks the ice and they laugh and feel more comfortable expressing their concern. I use it here to show that I'm still fighting this PsA monster. I got it from an old Tx rancher who was working at a convenience store and I loved it. The image of a rancher, all haggard and worn, sitting on a horse and facing the elements comes into my head every time I use that response. It's a good image to have.
Do you have a pet, Lori? I know it's extra work, especially a puppy, but my little chi is a great source of comfort, both emotionally and physically. He always finds the place in my back that hurts and curls up there like a little heating pad. I have a cat, too, altho she's a little standoffish, she senses when I'm down and graces me with her presence. They provide a lot of comic relief as well. It may not be practical for you as you seem to already have so much on your plate, but something to think about. Thank you for sharing your post, it does help all of us to know that we're not alone.
just about as mean as I could be, linda 😉
I hope you are feeling better Lori. Your words remind me of my sister's in her darkest days and worry me so I hope if you feel you need to, you will seek help. Is your thyroid ok? I know when mine has been out of whack, I have the weird cold/hot feelings as well as sleep disturbances, plus it can make you feel anxious, tired and depressed if you have hypothyroidism. Sometimes a low body temperature can be a signal that your thyroid or metabolism may not be functioning well. Yes, we all have been there and with faith, as you sound like you do have, we can make it to the other side. I know God understands our suffering. I have tried to take this time in my life to see it as a transformation to a more beautiful person inside and I truly don't believe I would be where I am spiritually with the peace that only comes from God if I hadn't had this disease. So, as crazy as this sounds, I take it for now as an incredible blessing that will have a great purpose in my life or someone elses someday if not now. You never know, maybe your post encouraged someone who is feeling the same to go get help or it brought them closer to God. THAT is building treasures the world cannot take away, nor can this disease. And don't let me fool you. I have had my “I'm over this God” days too because just like you, I'm human;)
Dx with CREST 2/08. minocycline 2x/day M-F, LDN 3mg nightly, 90 mg of Armour thyroid. Probiotics, milk thistle, L-argine, L-lysine, natto + serro, 81mg baby aspirin, daily multiple, 1000mg Vit C, lutein, cinnamon extract, evening primrose oil, omega 3s, Ubiquinol 100mg, alpha lipoic acid and exercise when I can.
Lori-
Your email was so touching, and you describe exactly what I've been going through for over a year. The only advice I can give to you is to remember to find joy in your life every single day, and allow yourself to feel whatever feeling you are having. My prayers to God started with desperation and begging him to just take it away from me. They are now please give me the strength and courage to get through the day. I thank him for the humility and compassion that has come from my suffering, and ask him for guidance to realize my purpose on this earth. And, honestly, I sometimes yell at him and am angry, and know that it's okay because he wants to hear every emotion. I used to feel guilty about being angry with him (what can I say, I was raised catholic so guilt is a common emotion;)) but, I don't anymore. I feel what I need to feel, and let it all out.
This is a great place to vent because there is SO much support from everyone. I can relate to hiding it from loved ones and friends because I feel like that is all I ever talk about with them. One of the most maddening aspects of being sick is that you can so easily slip into having a disease define who you are. I weave in and out of this almost weekly, and have to consciously remind myself not to focus so much on my disease, and what it has taken away from me. This is so hard to do sometimes but, I try really hard to stay as positive as I can, since I truely believe that it helps the healing process.
I certainly appreciate my life so much more now than I ever did before. I can't believe how much I took for granted, and if that is why I have this illness–to show the importance of things that REALLY matter to me in life, then I guess that is my lesson, and I'm grateful for the wake up call. I also think about all the people who die suddenly and don't get the chance to show or tell the people in their lives how much they love and appreciate them. Yes, it sucks that I have this but, EVERY single person that's in my life knows how much they mean to me because I'm alive to tell them. I feel blessed to have such wonderful family and friends, and blessed to have this board of strangers, who are ALWAYS there to lift me up when I am down.
Never feel bad about reaching out when you need to–everyone is here to help in any way we can. God Bless you Lori, and please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Maria
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